June 3, 2006

Ugh -- what a 24 this has been. Here goes the scoop...

Last night, around 10:30, I got a call on my cell phone (more about that later) from the hospital. There is nothing more heart-stopping than seeing the NICU number come up on your Caller ID. A nurse named Daniella wanted to let me know that Faith was continuing to have Brady episodes along with Apnea problems and that had prompted a move back into the ICU portion of the unit (the "pink room") where she could be monitored more closely. I was taken by such surprise by this news, that I didn't know what to ask. I had a quick conversation, hung up the phone and burst into tears. The whole situation was only getting worse.

Awhile later, it dawned on me that it was weird that I'd gotten the call on my cell and not on my home phone. Sure enough, with true SBC/AT&T style, our home phone and internet service was out of commission. What if I hadn't had a cell phone? What if there had been an emergency with one of the girls? There would have been no way to get in touch with us. Needless to say, I plan to lodge a formal complaint against this fantastic monopoly we have grown right here in San Antonio.

Around 11:15 I decided that I could not possibly sit around or go to sleep. I needed to see Faith and Grace and I hopped in my car to arrive at the NICU around midnight, when they opened again (they have really wild hours).

I went to say hi to Gracie, first, who is looking positively chunky these days. She's nearly four pounds and I'm hoping that this week will bring bottle feeding for her.

Then I went to the pink room to see Faith. Again, I was totally unprepared for what I saw. First of all, she just looked so tiny. She hasn't lost any weight (in fact, she's gaining, thankfully), but she was put in a radiant warmer (versus the isolette) and she looked so small and lost in that big bed. She also looked frightfully pale. Daniella assured me that her odd palor was caused by the amount of blood being drawn every day and all that made me want to do was yell, "Well then stop doing that!" I didn't, of course, but it crossed my mind.

I asked if I could hold my little angel and, surprisingly, Daniella said yes. Moments later, Faith was in my arms, wrapped snuggly in a blanket. She had had a fever-spike earlier in the day that prompted a dosing of Tylenol, so she was pretty out of it. In fact, as I held her close to me, I had a hard time looking at her. Pale and still, she just looked so lifeless. I cried a lot and wondered if I should consider baptising her -- just in case. I shut the thought out quickly, though. It was too much to bear.

After about 40 minutes of holding Faith, the Brady episodes started again, along with Apnea, and Daniella asked me to please put her back -- the change of environment, temperature, etc, may have been causing the problems. I put her back down in the warmer and stuck around for another hour or so to see if she'd act up again. Sure enough, she calmed down and slept peacefully. This gave me a little ping in my heart. I'm supposed to be the person who calms her down but, instead, when I hold her, the problem only gets worse. Not a good feeling for a mom.

Around 2:00, I said my goodbyes to Faitharoo and Gracie Too and drove home for some much-needed but hardly achieved sleep.

This morning, I returned to the NICU to see my girls. Again, Faith looked so pale to me, but she was a little more alert, with eyes open. Her nurse, Suzanne, answered lots and lots of questions for me and here is a run-down of what all we were looking at:

1. Almost certainly a bacterial infection because she had both a temperature spike and a temperature dip which is indicative of a bacterial infection. Currently treating with three different antibiotics.
2. Almost certainly not an infection in the bloodstream, as the blood and urine cultures continue to come back negative.
3. Possibly necrotizing facitis (spelling???), which is an infection and/or perforation of the lower intestines. Treatment would require halted feedings and possibly a blood transfusion. Luckily, the tests came back negative this afternoon.

So where does that leave us? Well, still scratching our heads, but everyone seems to think that the antibiotics are the answers. I'm not so sure, as we haven't identified the problem yet. The antibiotics won't do a darn thing if the problem is caused by anything other than bacteria. What if it's viral? Or physiological? Then we're just waiting around for a bunch of useless drugs to make her better when, in fact, they won't. I feel like we're wasting time. I want answers -- NOW.

I got to Kangaroo Faith this morning and she ootched around a lot on my chest. It felt good to have her moving around and to see her eyes open. She wasn't herself by any means, but it was way better than the night before.

Feeling guilty, I also held Gracie for a long time today. As usual, she was bright-eyed and precious. I apologized to her that I'd been neglecting her.

After awhile with Gracie, I started feeling guilty about leaving Devin so much, so I returned home to spend time with him. The circle never ends...

I talk to my dad and stepmom a few times a day now, giving them updates on the girls. I did so with my dad this morning and about 30 minutes later, he called back and posed the question I hadn't wanted to answer the night before: Should I consider having Faith baptized?

The truth of the matter is that in my heart of hearts, I really think that she'll recover just fine from all of this. But on the other hand, do I really want to take the chance? God forbid that something were to happen -- how would I feel if I didn't do everything I could to make sure she had peace for all eternity?

Todd agreed. Neither of us want to think about the "what ifs" of the situation, but the alternative is just that much worse.

So I think we'll do a baptism this week. We've already spoken with the Deacon who baptized Devin and who blessed our house when we moved here. He said that he'd be out of town, but that either the hospital chaplain or Monsignor Fater could do it for us this week. We were a little sad that Faith would be baptized without Gracie, but Chris assured us that Faith could still have the annointing ceremony done at the same time Gracie is baptized. In the Catholic church, you cannot be baptized more than once, so it's not like we could just have a "do over" or something of the like. :)

Am I nuts for doing this? A part of my heart feels like I'm writing my own daughter off, preparing for her demise. And yet another part of me feels like I'm doing the responsible, Christian thing by taking all precautions necessary.

I'll happily take your thoughts on this. I could use some outside opinions.

Updates to come...

Erin